There is a Light that Never Goes Out
by marsh king's daughter
Summary: They've finally made it home to Destiny Islands, but Riku has to face the fact that there may always be darkness inside of him...and Sora is the only one who can save him.  YAOI RikuxSora
1. Chapter 1: Daylight Robbery

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, I do not own Kingdom Hearts. I only borrow its characters for my own nefarious deeds every once in a while…and keep Riku tied up in my closet...but let's keep that quiet. –shifty eyes-

**Warnings: **Well I assume that you've read the summary and know that this is indeed a yaoi fic, so if you don't like it, then why are you still here? Anyways, there shall be language and (eventually) _slightly_ graphic lemon-y goodness. I tend to not go into explicit details since it makes me blush to no end, but kiddies beware.

oOoOo

**Chapter 1: **_Daylight Robbery_

oOoOo

"_I'm not afraid of the darkness!"_

But it was there, slowly creeping around him, tendrils of nothingness crawling up his skin, seeping into his heart…

_No…_

Wrapping around his lungs, making it hard to breathe…everything was fading away…but was it disappearing or was it just his vision that was slipping away?

_"You see, darkness is the heart's true essence."_

_No…I won't let it happen…not again…_

But it was still consuming him, and he couldn't fight it…when there was nothing left to fight for, how could he? Because he could see now that he didn't deserve any of it…his home…his friends…his _light_…

_"It's Riku. Riku's here…"_

The only reason he could ever fight the darkness…his only light…

_"I looked for you!"_

_Please don't take him away from me again…_

_"I looked everywhere for you!"_

**Sora.**

Riku woke up with a gasp, sitting up abruptly amongst the tangled sheets wrapped around him. His breath was coming in ragged puffs, his skin was clammy and trickling with sweat…He ran a hand through his long silver hair clinging to his forehead and neck in sticky strands, taking deep breaths to calm down.

It was only a dream…

A faint grayish light streamed through the windows, helping his eyes adjust. The darkness was nothing compared to the nightmare, though…nothing compared to the accompanying fear that crept down his spine in chilling prickles…

He glanced over at the small alarm clock sitting on his bedside table, the last of the red digits flickering once as it became 6:32. The boy sighed, throwing off the sheets and swinging his long legs over the side of the bed. He would have to get up soon anyway, and he knew that falling back to sleep was not an option this morning…

His bare feet padded softly on the carpet as he made his way towards the bathroom, where they fell upon cool tiles instead. Riku shut the door behind him and flicked on the light switch, sighing in relief at the sudden brightness filling the enclosed space. He felt like a child almost, comforted by the bright glow of a night light that could somehow chase all fears away.

But it was hard to run from yourself…

He began shedding his dampened clothes, nose wrinkling as he pulled his T-shirt over his head and let it fall to the floor. Then he slid open the shower curtain, slipping inside and turning the faucet, shivering as icy drops of water came in contact with his skin. But it began to warm up, and finally he slid down the wall in content as hot water trickled down him, steam filling the bathroom.

It was hard to remember the feelings of enveloping darkness when he was covered in warmth and light…although he knew that this wouldn't last long. Tonight would be the same, just as every other night had been since they had returned home almost 2 weeks ago.

It had felt almost too good to be true to finally come back, to be reunited with Kairi and Sora. And now he knew that it was…even after Xemnas had been defeated, it didn't mean that his own battle was over…

There would always be darkness lurking somewhere inside him, waiting to take over again…

He would lose him again…

Suddenly Riku slammed his fist angrily into the wall, leaving it pressed into the white tile, trembling.

He was scared.

_So scared._

oOoOo

"Morning, Ri-ku!" chirped two voices in unison as the silver-haired boy walked through his front door, clad in his uniform with a book bag slung over one shoulder.

"Hey," he returned with a slightly strained smile, pausing to fumble with the lock before joining his friends.

"Did you sleep well?" Kairi asked in a carefree tone, although he could see that there was genuine concern flickering through her violet eyes.

"Fine," he replied, although it came out rather stiffly. He mentally cursed himself for this as bright azure eyes stared up at him curiously, and lips pulled into a little frown.

"Really? Doesn't look like it to me," Sora said, reaching up to feel the older boy's forehead. "Are you feeling okay?" he questioned, brushing Riku's bangs out of his eyes as he gently placed his cool fingers to Riku's skin, standing on tip-toes to do so.

Riku jerked away from the touch, causing the brunet to fall back onto his heels, startled. "I'm fine," he repeated, avoiding the others' gazes. "Don't worry about me."

Sora opened his mouth to protest, but Kairi reached out to grab his hand, pulling him along with her and murmuring something softly that Riku couldn't make out. The brunet glanced back at him for a moment, but said nothing before turning back towards the redhead.

The silver-haired boy trailed behind them in silence, trying to ignore the prickling feelings of jealousy at the sight of their hands still clasped tightly together. A few days after returning to the island they had both confessed their feelings for each other, feelings he had know had been there all along…but it still hurt, no matter how prepared he had been for this.

He knew that it was the best thing that could happen…no one could make Sora happier than Kairi, and he would do anything to protect that smile…that innocence…he would keep his own feelings locked inside of him forever if that was what he needed to do.

Because he realized now that there had always been something else underlying his friendship with Sora…something that made his heart ache as he watched the couple in front of him chattering away happily together.

Riku wasn't sure exactly how long he had had feelings for the younger boy…he hadn't realized it until they had been reunited, watching Sora collapse onto the ground, holding his hand tightly as he cried, and he had suddenly felt such an overwhelming urge to pull the boy into his arms and never let go…

He squeezed his eyes shut, pushing away the unpleasant recollection of his dream that came with these memories.

"Riku?" came a soft voice, interrupting his thoughts. He opened his eyes to see that they had arrived outside of their school, and both Kairi and Sora were watching him worriedly.

"Hey, Kai…you go on ahead, okay? I'll catch up with you later," the smaller boy said, gently letting go of her hand.

"Alright," she said, sighing in defeat. "See you at lunch, Riku."

"See you," Riku replied, before turning his attention back to Sora, a sense of dread growing in his gut. He couldn't let the younger boy know about his fears…about his _feelings_…

"Riku…we're best friends, right?" Sora asked suddenly, a pained expression on his face as he looked up at Riku.

"Of course! Sora, what's-?" The older boy began.

"I'm scared, Riku," Sora whispered, cutting him off.

"Of what, Sora?" Riku asked gently, resting a large hand on top of the boy's head. "It's all over…there's nothing to be afraid of anymore." _If only he could believe that himself._

"I'm…I'm scared that I'm going to lose you again, Riku!" the brunet choked out, a tear slipping down his cheek. Riku's eyes widened and he dropped his hand, clenching it into a fist at his side.

"Don't be stupid," Riku muttered. "We better get to class." He turned away, joining the groups of students streaming through the gates.

"Riku, wait!" he could hear Sora yell, but by now there was too much in between them to turn back.

oOoOo

"I _told_ you we needed to give him more time!" Kairi murmured as Sora plopped down heavily in the seat next to her, tear stains evident on his cheeks.

"I'm sick of waiting, Kai! He's our friend…we should be _helping_ him, not just letting things play out or whatever! What if we wait too long and he…" Sora stopped, unable to finish the sentence.

Kairi rested a pale hand on top of Sora's, making soothing motions with her fingers. "I know. I…I'm worried too, Sor. It's just…every time we try to talk to him, he pushes us even farther away. I think we need to let him tell us on his own."

"Do you think he will?" Sora asked quietly.

Kairi paused, her fingers coming to a halt on the boy's skin. Then she smiled sadly. "I think he'll tell _you_."

Sora looked at her curiously, cocking his head to one side. "What do you mean? You're his friend too, Kai."

"I know," she sighed. "But the only reason I am is because of you, Sora. Haven't you noticed? You're the only one he smiles for, at least when it's a _real_ smile."

The brunet furrowed his brow, trying to recall if this was the truth. He knew that Riku never did smile very often around others, but certainly Kairi…?

"He'll come around, Sora," Kairi said, trying to reassure him. "For now, just let him know that you're there for him. He needs you."

oOoOo

An uncomfortable silence hung over their table at lunch, making the brunet shift in his seat. Kairi flashed him warning looks every time he was about to prod Riku further, so to stop himself he ate rapidly, shoving food into his mouth at a speed which made Riku raise an eyebrow in amusement.

Catching this, Sora laughed nervously, grabbing a napkin and wiping his mouth. "So, uh, Riku…" he began, clearing his throat as the redhead narrowed her eyes slightly. "Do you wanna…um…sleep over tonight?"

Chopsticks clattered onto Riku's tray, startling the two on the other side of the table. "I've got a lot of homework tonight," he said quietly.

"Ah, um, but me too, and I could really use your help! So…if you want, I mean…it would be like old times," Sora mumbled. And it was completely genuine, without any ulterior motives to get Riku talking. Suddenly the brunet realized that it had been such a long time since they had just spent time together like best friends, _too_ long. He missed being with Riku before everything had happened, before he had almost lost him… "Please?"

A moment of silence passed as Riku picked up his fallen chopsticks, turning them over in his fingers with a strange expression on his face. "Yeah. Okay."

The redhead smiled softly as Sora grinned in relief and began chattering away about plans for that night. Ever since they had begun to notice the change in Riku's behavior, Sora had been so worried…she just wanted them to go back to normal again. All of them did.

oOoOo

_Soft tapping at his window drifted through his lull of sleep, causing Riku to blearily open his eyes, looking around the room in search of the noise. When he discovered the cause of it his eyes shot open, all traces of sleep forgotten as he reached over to unlock his window. He lifted it open quickly, revealing a small brunet crouched on the thick tree branch outside, hiccupping with little sobs._

_"Sora!" he hissed, gently pulling his friend inside. "What are you doing here? What's wrong?"_

_Sora fell onto the bed with a soft "whump", clutching at Riku's shirt with trembling fingers. "R-ri-kuuu," he wailed. "I had a nightmare!"_

_Riku looked at the boy in disbelief. "Then why didn't you tell your mom and dad?"_

_Sora sniffled, taking in a deep gulp of air. "B-but, Riku's my bestest friend, and the strongest! You'll protect me, right?"_

_Riku smiled gently, laying Sora back on the bed. "Yeah. I'll be right here to protect you. Just go to sleep, okay?"_

_Sora smiled, closing his eyes as the older boy lay down next to him and pulled the blankets over them. "Okay. Goodnight, Riku," he said softly, stifling a yawn._

_"Goodnight, Sora."_

oOoOo

**Author's Notes: **Aw, shit XD. Okay if anybody reads _For What Reason_ then I'm really, really, _really _sorry! I only intended this to be the usual oneshot I do to cure my writer's block, but I ended up really liking it and wanting to make it a full length story. But I have like a super long weekend(5 days! Yay!) next week cuz my school is nice so I promise I'll finish it then and hopefully update this too!

I must say that it's really going to bother me writing SoraxKairi for awhile XP I honestly hate her with a fiery burning passion, but I don't like it when she gets bashed so I'll just hafta write her normally –sighs- Believe me, they won't stay together long though.

Anyways, please tell me what you think so far! Reviews equal love, and if anybody reads my other story then you know that reviewers get shout-outs and cookies, so it's good times for everyone! Whee! I don't know how soon I'll update this cuz I have priorities to finish _FWR_ first but I'll do my best to write them both quickly. :)

Until then,

-Emmy xoxo


	2. Chapter 2: Scared of the Dark

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, I do not own Kingdom Hearts. I only borrow its characters for my own nefarious deeds every once in a while…and keep Riku tied up in my closet...but let's keep that quiet. –shifty eyes-

**Warnings: **Well I assume that you've read the summary and know that this is indeed a yaoi fic, so if you don't like it, then why are you still here? Anyways, there shall be language and (eventually) _slightly_ graphic lemon-y goodness. I tend to not go into explicit details since it makes me blush to no end, but kiddies beware.

oOoOo

**Chapter 2: **_Scared of the Dark_

oOoOo

Riku stood on the front step of Sora's house, raising his hand to knock on the door and then hesitating mid-action. He had been contemplating all afternoon whether it was a good idea to be doing this and had never managed to find his answer. It had been so _long_ since he and Sora had just spent normal time together, and he missed it so much…but then there were the dreams.

If Sora found out what was going through his head…Riku wished he didn't even know _himself_…it was too much of a burden to push onto Sora as well. Riku lowered his hand, letting it fall loosely to his side, sighing. But on the other hand, if Riku _didn't_ stay, then Sora would think that something had come between their friendship. Either way the boy would just worry…

But Riku's last chance to make a decision slipped away as the door opened in front of him, surprising both the silver-haired boy and Sora's mother.

"Oh my! Is that really you, Riku?" she exclaimed, a bright smile appearing on her face, very similar to Sora's. Seiya Hikari looked remarkably like her son, her deep blue eyes mirroring his almost exactly. "You've grown so much since the last time I saw you!"

"Er…yeah. Well it's been awhile, Mrs. Hikari," Riku said awkwardly.

Her eyes softened and she nodded thoughtfully. "I'm glad you're here, Riku. Since Sora came home, that boy has been sighing over you nonstop…is everything okay?" Seiya asked gently.

"Th-there's no need to worry over me. I'm fine," the boy replied, hoping his smile looked natural.

She studied him for a moment and then smiled back. "Well come inside then. Sora's up in his room, I think. I'll just be out running a couple of errands, and I'll be back to make dinner. Your favorite, of course."

"Thanks, Mrs. Hikari," Riku said, a genuine smile appearing on his lips now. In the countless times he had stayed with Sora when they were younger, she had been almost like a second mother to him, making sure that he was always welcome in the Hikari home.

"There's no need to thank me, sweetheart. You've taken care of Sora so much…I should be the one thanking you," Seiya replied, inclining her head slightly.

"I haven't really," Riku murmured. _All I've done is hurt him._

Seiya opened her mouth to reply, but was cut off by her son bounding down the stairs.

"Riku!" he laughed, throwing his arms around the older boy. "You're here!"

Riku worked hard to keep his features cool and composed, fighting off the blush he could feel creeping up his neck as Sora hugged him tightly. "'Course I am," he mumbled.

"Well then, I'll see you boys later," Seiya chuckled.

"Bye Mom!" Sora replied as she closed the door. Then he turned back to Riku, smile softening as he let go of his friend. "You're here," he murmured again.

"You already said that, stupid," Riku muttered, pretending to be looking at the clock in the living room when really he was just trying to avoid Sora's gaze.

"But I…well to tell you the truth, I kind of thought you wouldn't come after all," Sora confessed quietly.

Riku's eyes flickered back to Sora, catching the brief sadness that passed over the brunet's face. Guilt crept through him, and he was suddenly very glad that Mrs. Hikari had opened the door on him. "Come on, Sor," he smiled. "Let's get started on that homework."

Sora groaned, but Riku didn't miss the poorly disguised grin underneath. "Meanie," he pouted, sticking out his tongue at Riku.

Riku quickly turned to head upstairs to Sora's room, this time unable to stop his blush as tried to shove away the sudden images of things he'd _prefer_ Sora to be doing with his tongue.

oOoOo

After an enormous amount of food was forced onto them by Mrs. Hikari with the observation that they were both "much too skinny", and several hours of Riku trying and failing to teach Sora the basics of trigonometry, the two boys decided it was time for bed. Or rather for Riku, time to force himself to stay up all night.

He had decided that it would be okay as long as he didn't have to stay in the same room as Sora…although he had a feeling this wouldn't go over terribly well with the brunet. Still, he had to try.

"Hey Sora, got any extra blankets or anything I can use?" Riku asked nonchalantly, hoping that he'd be able to do everything according to plan.

The brunet cocked his head in confusion. "For what?"

"The couch," Riku replied.

"Ehhh? You're not gonna sleep on the couch, Ri-ku! You're sleeping here with me!" Sora replied cheerfully, flopping down onto his bed and patting the space next to him.

"We're not little kids anymore, Sora," Riku tried, half dreading sharing a bed with his crush who was clad only in a pair of boxers, and half terrified of what would happen if he had another nightmare.

"Oh come on, it's big enough for both of us," Sora pressed. When Riku remained rooted to the spot however, the brunet sighed, getting up. But judging from the devious glint in his eye, he wasn't relenting. With a wide grin he threw himself at Riku, causing them to fall back onto the bed, limbs tangling as the younger boy landed on top of his startled friend.

"Gotcha," he said teasingly, but Riku was much more preoccupied with the way Sora's warm breath puffed onto the back of his neck and the fact that one of the brunet's legs was pressed firmly in between his own.

The older boy inhaled sharply, head swimming as he felt heat begin to pool in his stomach. "Fi-fine, I'll sleep here! Just get off already, will ya?" Riku surrendered.

"Heh…can't always win, huh Riku?" Sora smirked, rolling to one side of the bed much to Riku's relief.

"Guess not," Riku murmured, repositioning himself next to the brunet as Sora reached over to turn off the light.

They lapsed into silence, Riku's heart hammering as the room plunged into darkness. But then Sora shifted closer to him, and suddenly he felt safe again as the warmth of the younger boy washed over him.

"Riku?" came a soft voice, closer to his ear than he had thought.

"Yeah?"

"I…I'm sorry, if I'm pushing you too much. It's just…we lost so much time and…I missed you, Riku," Sora whispered.

"…I missed you, too. And…it's okay. I'm glad I came over today. Thanks, Sor," he said, smiling although the brunet couldn't see it in the dark.

"G'night, Riku."

"Good night, Sora."

oOoOo

Time ticked by as slowly as it possibly could, and Riku desperately fought the sleep that was trying to take him, instead focusing on Sora. Eventually his eyes had adjusted enough to see the boy's face a few inches away, a peaceful expression on it that made Riku's heart give a contented little flutter as he watched the boy. But soon listening to the steady lull of the brunet's breathing made it hard to keep his eyes open, and he was pulled into a dream once again…

It was different, though. This time he was on the small island by the paopu tree, sitting with his back against the tree. It was bright and sunny, and if he was sure it would be warm if he could feel it. He looked up at the sound of footsteps, and found Sora standing above him, grinning. The brunet reached down to offer Riku his hand, but as the older boy stretched out to take it, the darkness suddenly began intertwining through his fingers. Riku grabbed Sora's hand desperately, wanting it to stop But instead it only spread, crawling up the younger boy's skin as well. Blue eyes widened in fear as the darkness began to consume them both. Riku dropped his hand but it was useless, Sora was going to disappear…even his light was being tainted by him. Because it was the darkness in his heart that must be coming out, the impure feelings he shouldn't be having for Sora finally making their appearance. And it was because of them that the smaller boy was fading away from him now…

"-ku!"

_I'm sorry, Sora._

"Riku!"

Suddenly he was jerked awake, light flooding his vision. He squeezed his eyes shut, spots forming behind them at the unexpected brightness. Then Riku opened them slowly, aquamarine meeting with azure. For the first time he noticed small hands clenching his shoulders tightly, the brunet hovering over him, worry cleanly written across his features.

"Riku, I know you don't want to talk about, but please…please just tell me. I hate that I can't even do anything to help you when you're like this! I want to fix it, Riku. So don't…push me away again. Just let me fix it," Sora whispered, reaching out and holding one of Riku's hands in his own.

The silver-haired boy stared at their hands, half-expecting the dream to come true. "Hey, you know what you said earlier-about being scared of losing me? Well I…I am too," Riku confessed.

"But why? It's over, Riku! We can be together now," Sora said, squeezing the older boy's hand tightly.

"Sora…everything that happened wasn't just because of the keyblade, you know. Maybe you won't really understand…but Sora, not everyone is like you. We aren't all pure and caring and innocent…I'm_ none_ of those things. And if I always have this darkness in me, then…what if it happens again, Sor? What if I hurt you again, or lose you forever this time? I can't-," but Riku was cut off as Sora let go of his hand suddenly and threw his arms around Riku for the second time that day, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

"Don't say that Riku," Sora said in a muffled voice. "I'll stay with you, no matter what! You won't ever lose me, so don't…," Riku felt something warm and wet trickling down his neck. "I don't care if you still have the darkness, Riku."

"Sora, you don't understand! It's…it's not something that I can control! If it takes over again…I might not be the same Riku anymore," the silver-haired boy said in a pained voice.

Defiance flashed through Sora's eyes as he pulled back to face Riku. "Don't be stupid, you'll always-"

"You know that it could happen! You know better than anyone what I was like when it did the last time! I hurt you so much, and it could've been even worse…I could've killed you and Kairi both! I could've-," Riku stopped as his vision began to blur, blinking against the sting in his eyes. He had always known these things, but voicing them for the first time just made it that much more real.

"But you didn't! Some part of you never changed, Riku…so it's okay…even if there's darkness, there's still light somewhere," the brunet said, smiling softly.

_It's you._

"What if something happens to that light…because of me?" Riku asked quietly.

"What do you mean?" Sora asked, brows furrowing cutely.

"Er, well let's just say…hypothetically of course…that there's a particular person who's kind of my...light. What if somehow they become part of the darkness too…because of certain…feelings I have?" Riku said slowly, hoping that Sora was dense enough not to realize exactly what he was talking about.

Sora's eyes widened and a faint blush tinged his cheeks, an expression that Riku did _not_ like the look of. _What if he knew…?_

"Riku, is there…someone you love?" the younger boy asked, chewing on his bottom lip.

Riku flushed, quickly breaking eye contact with Sora. "We-well, that's…I'm not…yeah," Riku stammered, feeling like a complete idiot. "…There is."

"O-oh." Slowly Sora let go of Riku, moving back to his side of the bed. "Um, maybe we should go back to bed. It'll be okay, Riku…I'm sure anybody would be really lucky for you to feel that way," the brunet said, although he didn't exactly sound convinced himself.

Riku frowned as Sora curled up on his side, flicking off the lights again. "What are you thinking about, Sora?"

"N-nothing!" the younger boy responded hastily.

"Just tell me," Riku sighed.

"It's just…the person you like…is it…"

_Oh god, he knows._

"Kairi?" Sora finished quietly.

"W-what? No! Kairi's just a friend…I mean maybe at one point, but not now," Riku explained in a rush, realization hitting him. Sora had only been worried that he was in love with his girlfriend…of course he would never even consider that Riku would have feelings for him…and he'd never return them even if he knew.

"Oh!" Sora sighed, flipping onto his back again. "I was afraid you might steal her away from me," he said in a teasing voice, although Riku knew that underlying it was complete sincerity. "Hey, Riku?"

"Hmm?"

"The person you like…I think you should tell them," Sora said.

Riku's eyes widened. "I really don't think that's a good idea," he whispered.

"But Riku…maybe the reason you're having all these dreams and stuff is 'cause of these feelings you have. Maybe you just need to get them out in the open," Sora said brightly.

Riku groaned inwardly. Looking back on their conversation now, he wondered how it was possible for Sora to not put two and two together. From saying that he was afraid of losing Sora to saying that he might lose the person that's his light…This was a new level of naivety, even for Sora.

"I think that person likes someone else," Riku sighed, trying a different tactic, although it stung slightly to say it out loud.

"But how do you know unless you tell them? Come on, Riku, you can do it!" the brunet said, the end of his sentence muffled by a wide yawn.

Riku laughed. "How 'bout we just go back to sleep for now?"

"Alright," Sora said. "…You okay?"

Riku blinked. Honestly he had been so focused on Sora that his dream seemed like just a distant memory now. "Yeah," he said slowly. "Thanks, Sor."

"Anytime, Riku…I love you, ya know," the brunet said.

Riku's heart began thumping wildly and he felt his face heating up, despite the fact he knew it wasn't meant in that way. It never would be.

"I love you, too," he murmured.

_More than you'll ever know._

oOoOo

**Author's Notes: **Okay, I know I lied about finishing my other story first…I'm having issues with the ending. But it'll still come out this weekend! And if it doesn't, then I apologize profusely and you can all have ginormous cookies and a super-long chapter of this. Better?

Hmm I guess I like this chapter well enough but I have no idea how I'm going to get Sora thinking homo thoughts XD So this story might end up longer than I expected…although seriously I have like no outline or much in the way of plot ideas so who knows where it'll go. I guess I'll have fun finding out :)

Sankyuu to **Katraa**, **Elle-Sempai**, and **Countcainn**, my oh-so-lovely reviewers of chapter 1! I'm so thankful for the feedback early on, especially getting continuous support from a couple of _FWR_ readers(I really am sorry for the lack of an ending XD). Happy reading, and much love.

-Emmy-the-Pooh

…because Eeyore is my hero. :D what a cutie


	3. Chapter 3: Dream for Me

**Disclaimer:**Sadly, I do not own Kingdom Hearts. I only borrow its characters for my own nefarious deeds every once in a while…and keep Riku tied up in my closet...but let's keep that quiet. –shifty eyes-

**Warnings:**Well I assume that you've read the summary and know that this is indeed a yaoi fic, so if you don't like it, then why are you still here? Anyways, there shall be language and (eventually)_slightly_ graphic lemon-y goodness. I tend to not go into explicit details since it makes me blush to no end, but kiddies beware.

oOoOo

**Chapter 3: **_Dream for Me_

oOoOo

The first thing Sora noticed the next morning was that he was incredibly…warm. His eyelashes slowly fluttered open, vision landing upon Riku's peaceful face, still deep in sleep. The brunet couldn't help but give a little sigh of relief at the calming sight, grateful that Riku had seemingly passed the rest of the night without any more nightmares.

It had taken everything he had to not break down along with Riku last night. The older boy was like a security blanket to him- they had been together their entire lives, and Riku was always the calm one, the composed one, the one who pulled _Sora_ together-never the other way around. Even after being alone in the darkness for so long, Riku remained strong as they reunited while Sora fell to the floor crying.

Riku never cried. He never broke down. He was never so raw, so emotionally exposed as he had been last night, writhing in his sleep, screaming in fear of things that Sora couldn't understand. It wasn't supposed to _be_ like that. It felt so wrong to watch him that way, to see his cool façade undoing itself right before his eyes. It was the same way he felt as a child when he saw his mom cry for the first time. There's just some stupid, naïve part of your brain that believes that some people never _need _to cry-they're simply the protectors of the ones who _do_. And when you finally realize that they _do, _in that moment you feel so incredibly small and helpless that it _hurts. _There should be something you can do for them, something to help, but there's a part of you that's terrified to accept what's happening. A part of you that _wants _those people to always be ones who you can depend on, ones who will protect you. Riku never needed protection-he was the strong one, the one who kept everything so hidden that Sora had subconsciously begun to convince himself that there was really nothing there.

However, this belief had begun unraveling quite awhile ago, before they were even separated. Somehow things had been steadily shifting between them, and Sora never understood _why_. Suddenly they were competing everyday, keeping a score which made the brunet feel like he was losing more and more. But it wasn't the races or the mock-battles with wooden swords that mattered, it was _Riku _that he was losing. They were distancing themselves, barely talking anymore but always _competing._

The only reason he had ever considered for this was Kairi, but from what Riku had said last night he had been wrong. But he didn't know what else could've started to come in between their friendship, something that would cause Riku to start seeing him in a different light, after so many years…

Sora yawned, shifting closer to the older boy and realizing for the first time that his source of warmth was coming from the strong arms draped loosely around him. He smiled sleepily, eyelids beginning to droop down again only to snap back open as the alarm rang a moment later. He waited as Riku began to stir, suddenly feeling a bit awkward in their close proximity.

"Sora," he sighed softly, startling the brunet.

"Y-yes?" the younger boy stammered immediately, perplexed when he realized that Riku wasn't actually awake yet. Then the silver-haired boy opened his eyes, aquamarine slowly recognizing Sora before widening slightly as he noticed their position as well.

"Er…sorry," Riku mumbled, quickly withdrawing his arms.

"No problem," Sora replied, giving a lopsided grin. "You slept okay?"

"Yeah," the older boy said slowly, blinking. "I guess I did."

The brunet sat up, gazing down at the other boy a bit sadly. "You've been having them a lot, haven't you?"

"Since we got back, yeah," Riku murmured, knowing that it was no good to keep lying to him. He drew himself into a sitting position as well, keeping his expression flat to at least keep the boy from worrying_too_ much.

"Why didn't you tell me, Riku?" Sora asked, frowning. "Can't I…can't I do anything to help?"

"No!" Riku gasped, before realizing how Sora probably took that when the boy's eyes widened and hurt flashed across his face. "I mean…I don't want you to feel like you should, Sor. Please, don't worry about it."

"But Riku, you can't just go back to ignoring them, can you? They won't stop that way, and I don't want you to keep-!" the rest was muffled as a large hand planted itself over the brunet's mouth, causing blue eyes to widen in surprise.

"I'll be fine, Sora. If something happens and I need to talk about it, I'll tell you. Promise," Riku said, pulling his hand away.

"Okay…," Sora said uncertainly. "I guess we better get ready then," he sighed, glancing at the clock. "I can't be late picking up Kai."

"Yeah," Riku agreed, stiffening slightly at the mention of the redhead.

"Riku?" Sora asked softly, chewing his bottom lip. "Please…don't go anywhere again, okay?"

"I won't," the older boy whispered.

oOoOo

Once the two boys had gotten dressed and eaten a quick breakfast at Sora's house, they began making their way towards Kairi's, where they found the redhead waiting for them outside. She grinned and waved when she saw them approach and Sora enthusiastically returned the gesture. Under the brunet's curious gaze, Riku gave a half-hearted wave as well.

It wasn't that he had anything against Kairi.

It was just…

_He loves her._

"Hi Sora, Riku!" she greeted cheerfully.

"Hey, Kai," Sora grinned, leaning forwards and shyly planting a quick kiss on her lips.

Two things happened simultaneously.

The first one was expected-Riku's heart seemed to burst, clutching and twisting painfully in his chest while he fought hard to keep an expressionless face.

The second…it wasn't supposed to happen. Not with her, not with_anyone_. In the brief moment while Sora pulled away, violet eyes widened, meeting Riku's in a gaze that seemed to see right through him. She _knew._

Just as quickly as it had happened, her gaze flickered back to Sora and she laughed nervously, blushing. "N-not in front of Riku, silly!" she chided softly, voice wavering the slightest bit.

"Huh? Why not?" Sora asked curiously, glancing back at the older boy.

"It's just…embarrassing, that's all," Kairi murmured awkwardly, steadily avoiding Riku's gaze.

Sora laughed. "Come on, Kairi, it's _Riku_. The three of us are_always_ together-he's gonna get used to it anyways."

"Er, no…that's okay," Riku said in a strangled voice. "I'll give you guys some privacy if you want. See you later," he muttered, pushing past his two friends.

"Huh? Don't go, Riku," Sora said, grabbing the older boy's arm and cocking his head to the side in confusion. "We always walk to school together."

Riku shifted his gaze to Kairi, who was resolutely staring at the ground, chewing on her bottom lip. "Nah…you and Kai really haven't had that much time alone together…it's fine," he insisted, forcing a smile.

Because Sora was right. He would just have to get used to it.

oOoOo

Riku was the first to arrive outside of the school building in the afternoon. He had contemplated walking home without them but decided in the end that Sora would probably be concerned if he left without saying anything. So he leaned heavily against the wall, waiting for the happy couple to come and the horrible awkwardness to begin again.

He knew it hadn't been their first kiss, but it was the first time in front of _him_. It shouldn't even hurt anymore. Riku had known Sora's feelings for Kairi all along-it had practically been love at first sight when the redhead arrived on the island. Of course, the silver-haired boy hadn't understood his _own_ feelings at that point, but something had still felt…off. He and Sora had been inseparable for _years_ before Kairi came, but she had somehow wormed her way in between them. And he knew that she wouldn't be leaving any time soon.

Back then he had only thought he was jealous of Kairi for spending so much time with his best friend. Hell, at one point he had even convinced himself that he was jealous of _Sora_. But he knew now that the brunet had always been the one he loved, never Kairi.

And now she _knew._ He had tried telling himself that he had been over-analyzing it, but somehow he just had the gut feeling that she was aware of everything he was trying desperately to keep hidden. He didn't think she would ever tell Sora, but…suddenly he felt so exposed, like there was nowhere to run anymore.

The feeling of dread increased when he saw the redhead come through the doors and start to make her way towards their meeting spot, no Sora in sight.

"Hey, Riku," she said brightly, although Riku knew her well enough to know that this wasn't her usual cheerful self.

"Hey," he returned. "Where's Sora?"

"He has to retake our Bio test," the redhead explained. "He's been having some trouble making up for all the time he missed. He, um…said we should just go home without him."

_Walking home alone with Kairi…after everything that had happened this morning? Brilliant. _

"Guess we should go then," he said, shouldering his backpack and reluctantly matching Kairi's pace as they began to make their way home.

They walked in silence for a moment, an almost tangible heaviness in the air. Then the small girl spoke up timidly, saying, "Um…Sora told me about your dreams."

"Oh," Riku said simply. After all, if she already knew that he was in love with her boyfriend, did it really matter if she thought he was mentally unstable as well?

"Riku, you…don't you think it's time to forgive yourself?" Kairi blurted out suddenly, causing the older boy to freeze.

"What are you talking about?" he whispered.

"Sora and I-and…and everyone else, we know you didn't mean for any of it to happen. And we've already forgiven you, Riku! But, you're still blaming yourself, and it's making you have those dreams…please, Riku, just let it stop," she pleaded in a pained voice, violet eyes watering.

"I know that already," he almost growled. "But whether or not I_meant _it doesn't mean that I can stop myself from hurting him again!" he yelled harshly, looking away from her suddenly. He took slow breaths, trying to calm himself down. She was worried about him, trying to _help _him…how could he push her away?

And then it happened.

"You love him, don't you?" she whispered. There was no question in her voice.

Riku swallowed, trying to rid himself of the lump in his throat. Why was this hurting so much? He nodded slowly, unable to say it himself.

_I love Sora._

When the redhead didn't say anything else, he continued. "I…I won't tell him. I won't ever act on these feelings. So please, Kai…just let me stay with him."

He could hear her start to cry quietly, but couldn't understand why. "They'll just go away, won't they?" he choked out desperately. "Kai, I don't…I don't know what to do anymore! I've tried so hard to make it stop…why won't it stop?"

Suddenly the redhead threw her arms around him tightly, sobbing into his chest. "I'm sorry, Riku. I'm so sorry," she began saying over and over again, her body trembling. He rested his head on top of hers, feeling his eyes begin to sting too. "I don't want to hurt you, Riku, and you've already been through so much. I just…I can't stop. I can't hurt Sora either, and I love him, too. I'm so sorry," she said again, her voice muffled against Riku's body.

"How…how long have you known?" the boy murmured.

"I don't really know," she sniffled. "When I first got here, I thought you guys seemed clos… but I guess I didn't really think about it much back then. But once I started getting to know you better…I started noticing how much you change whenever you're with him. You smile more," she said shakily, pulling away to look up at him sadly. "He's the only thing that makes you happy, isn't he?"

Riku chuckled humorlessly. "I never knew I was that transparent."

"He doesn't know! And I won't ever tell him, I promise," she swore.

"Thank you," the silver-haired boy murmured gratefully.

"No, you don't owe me anything, Riku!" she said fiercely. "I'll do anything I can to help…if you ever need somebody to talk to…"

"Then I'll find you," Riku finished. "You don't need to do this, Kai…I know that it's hurting you too."

"I_want_ to Riku. It's the least I can do," Kairi insisted.

"I can see why he loves you so much," the boy said quietly.

"He…he loves you too, Riku. You're his best friend," the redhead murmured.

"I know," Riku said, smiling sadly. "Maybe someday it'll be enough."

oOoOo

**Author's Notes:** Ugh. I know. An entire _week _later than I promised. And I don't even like this chapter enough to think that it was worth the wait. I'm not really happy with this story anymore…but I guess I need to figure out what I'm doing with it first. Bleh. :(

Well I thought that at least with the lack of an update that somebody would reply to my beta request at some point during the week…but sadly, no one did. So please continue to bear with my lazy self-editing. I do my best.

Thanks so much to the people who reviewed chapter 2! **Countcainn, Damo and his Alter Ego, rain angst, Cold Drake Queen, MikoGoddess, and Katraa.** It was so motivating to hear from you guys. Much love :)

I'll do my best to update next week but maybe you just shouldn't listen to me anymore XD Once the trimester is over and I finish my activity then I'll have more free time, but right now I even have to go to school on weekends. It's awful ;-; But only a couple more weeks left and then I'll be back on a weekly update schedule.

And there was much rejoicing.

-Emmypants


	4. Chapter 4: Goodnight and Go

**Disclaimer:**Sadly, I do not own Kingdom Hearts. I only borrow its characters for my own nefarious deeds every once in a while…and keep Riku tied up in my closet...but let's keep that quiet. –shifty eyes-

**Warnings:**Well I assume that you've read the summary and know that this is indeed a yaoi fic, so if you don't like it, then why are you still here? Anyways, there shall be language and (eventually)_slightly_ graphic lemon-y goodness. I tend to not go into explicit details since it makes me blush to no end, but kiddies beware.

oOoOo

**Chapter 4: **_Goodnight and Go_

oOoOo

There are boundaries of friendship that, once crossed, just can't be put back in place.

That's why some things are just better left as secrets.

oOoOo

Riku didn't even have to look up from his homework to know that a pair of bright blue eyes was carefully analyzing him yet again. A few days ago, Mrs. Hikari had requested that he spend a couple days a week to help Sora study, as the younger boy was having trouble catching up. But apparently the brunet was finding Riku more far more interesting than his English essay.

When the prickly feeling on the back of his neck told him that he was still being watched, Riku finally shut his books and stared right back at Sora, asking with a loud sigh, "_What_?"

Sora jumped, apparently unaware that he had been so obvious. "Nothing," he said with a crooked grin, picking up his pencil and shifting his gaze back to the blank piece of paper in front of him.

"You've been staring at me non-stop for the past ten minutes. I know you well enough to know that it's _something_, Sor," Riku said skeptically.

Sora chewed his bottom lip, still smiling underneath. "You'll be mad if I ask."

"Shoot," Riku said mildly.

"Really?" the younger boy asked uncertainly. "Well…I've just been wondering, if it's not Kairi then…who do you like?"

Riku inhaled sharply, mentally smacking himself. "...Never mind. You were right, you shouldn't have asked."

Sora's brows furrowed and a pout crossed his lips. "We've been best friends our entire lives and you're seriously not going to tell me the girl you like?"

The older boy started chuckling suddenly, running a hand through his hair. "No, I'm seriously not going to tell you the '_girl'_ I like, Sora."

"What?! Why not? I'm good at keeping secrets, I sw-,"

"It's not a _girl_, Sora."

"…-ear?" The brunet's eyes widened and his jaw slackened, dumbfounded. After a moment he finally spluttered, "W-what do you mean, 'not a_ girl_'?"

Riku closed his eyes, wondering why he had even said that much. "Just forget it."

"Riku, you…you like guys?" Sora questioned.

"No, I like _one_ guy. Singular. I don't care about any others," Riku muttered in response.

Another moment of silence passed as Sora processed this. "B-but…_who_? Tidus?...Wakka?...someone we met on our journey?"

"Does it matter who it is? I'm _gay_, Sora! Give me some kind of fucking reaction," Riku said sharply. Not that he _wanted_ any judgment on the matter, but…

Sora couldn't find out that it was him.

He could never know.

"Riku…it does matter. I've known you fifteen years, and you've never…," Sora mumbled. "I mean, as far as I know at least, you've never been in love before…so this guy…he must be really important to you, right?" the brunet asked.

Riku remained silent for a moment, then said quietly, "He…means more to me than anything."

"And you still haven't told him, have you?" Sora challenged. "You can't just keep this all bottled up forever."

Because there's always a breaking point.

"It's not that simple, Sora!" Riku yelled in frustration, fingers clenching the edge of the table. "Yeah, it sucks to have to always be hiding it from him, and sometimes I come so close to just letting it all out, but I _can't_! If I ever told him…if he ever knew…we could never be friends after something like that. And he's happy now…he's happy, so I can't just…I can't take that all away from him. I've decided that it's enough if he's smiling…it's enough if I can just stay by his side. Whatever he feels for me right now…it's enough," Riku whispered. "I can't ask for anything else."

Sora frowned, reaching over to rest one of his hands over the older boy's, whose knuckles were now turning white from the strain that was placed on them. "If it's enough…then why aren't _you_ happy?" he murmured softly.

Riku stared at his friend, words hitting him full force.

"Why aren't _you_ smiling, Riku?" Sora asked sadly.

_Because I'm scared that it won't ever be enough._

oOoOo

"Have you ever had a one-sided love, Kai?"

The redhead looked down at the small boy lying next to her on the sand, and smiled. "You're the first person I've ever loved, Sora."

Sora tried to return the smile, but found that it was harder than he expected. "Riku, he…he's in love," the brunet said dumbly, unable to go any farther than that. He doubted that Riku was ready to have his sexuality spread any further than his best friend's ears. But it was hard to keep it all to himself, and it had been on his mind all night until he was at the point when even when he was with Kairi, it was all he could think about.

"I know," Kairi murmured.

The brunet shot up, startling his girlfriend. "You do?! Do you know who it is? Did he tell you?"

"N-no, he didn't say anything to me!" the redhead said quickly. "I could just…tell."

Sora sighed. "But he's been my best friend my entire life, and I didn't even notice. Am I that oblivious?"

"Maybe his feelings never really changed all that much," Kairi said slowly, carefully choosing her words with the hope that she could ease Sora's nerves without giving too much away. "Maybe he hasn't even known that long."

"So…someone who he's known a long time…but he's only just realized he loves them?" Sora mused.

"Um, Sora…I'm sure that if Riku hasn't told you who it is, he probably just wants to get over it. Maybe you should just give him some time," the girl suggested softly.

"We've given him time, Kai! We've given him time and all that happened was that he kept having nightmares, and he was always afraid, and he was always sad and lonely and he never did anything to stop it himself! I want to do anything I can to help him," Sora said, looking off across the ocean. "He doesn't even feel like he's home right now, can't you see? He's expecting to leave again so much that this doesn't even feel like _home_. All it is…is the calm before the storm. And if things stay like this…maybe things _will_ happen like last time. And I don't want to lose him again, Kai! I won't…I'm not going to let that happen," the brunet swore.

A moment of silence passed, before Kairi spoke up. "Sora…can I ask you something?" Kairi whispered.

The boy nodded, turning his gaze back towards her. "Of course, Kai. You can ask me anything."

The redhead took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and said, "What's most important to you?"

oOoOo

It was raining. It started out as only a slow drizzle when they had been on the beach, but more and more water was pouring down now as Sora stood anxiously on Riku's front step, ringing the doorbell for the third time. The sky was darkening in color, afternoon steadily shifting into an illusion of night. Thunder rumbled somewhere in the distance, a low growl from afar.

Finally the door swung open, revealing the tall silver-haired boy whose eyes widened at the sight of Sora. "What are you doing here?" he asked in a tense voice.

"I don't know," the younger boy mumbled honestly. "Can I come in?"

"You shouldn't be here," Riku said hoarsely. "Please, Sora, right now I'm just…"

"Scared?" Sora whispered. "Well I am, too. And I'm cold and I'm wet and I need to talk to you, so just let me in," the brunet said, voice cracking.

"…Okay. Come in, then," Riku accepted, stepping aside to allow Sora entrance. Then he shut the door behind them, and said quietly, "I'll go get you a towel. Wait here."

Then he was gone, leaving Sora dripping and shivering in the entryway.

"_What's most important to you?"_

_Sora blinked, taking a moment before answering. "You and Riku, of course."_

_Kairi nodded slowly, prepared for this. "Sora, I can't…I won't ever ask you to choose…but if you ever realize that the answer is only him…then maybe you're with the wrong person right now."_

After a moment he returned, a fluffy white towel in his hands. He draped it across the smaller boy's shoulders first, then moved it up to gently massage Sora's hair, brown spikes framing his face loosely now. "You're soaked," Riku murmured.

"You should learn to open the door sooner," Sora said in reply.

"Sorry," the older boy muttered, then paused, examining the brunet more closely. "Are you…crying?" he asked in surprise.

"It's the rain!" Sora answered immediately, wiping his eyes on his sleeve nonetheless. "I'm…I'm not…"

"Sora, why are you here?"

"Because I…I want to know…" Sora began, then stopped, breathing deeply. "If it's…if it's _not_ enough…will you leave?"

Riku's hands stopped, and the towel dropped to the floor. "Wh-what kind of question is that? Don't be so-,"

"Stupid?" Sora interrupted. "You think _I'm_ being stupid? Well you're the one who…who _promised_ me…that you wouldn't leave me again, that we'd _always_ be together...but at the same time you never even try to stay. You never try to fight the nightmares, and you never try to forgive yourself, and I know that if the darkness _did _come again, then you would just let it, because it's _not_ enough, Riku. Being by my side, it's not enough. Loving me isn't enough, unless I love you back."

"What are you talking about?" the older boy asked slowly, voice tight, words clipped.

"It's…me, isn't it? You…love me?" Sora whispered.

"You're my best friend, Sor, of course I-,"

"You know I don't mean it like that!" the brunet cut in once more. "Please…answer me."

"…Get out," Riku said finally.

Sora's eyes widened in disbelief. "W-what?"

"_Get__** out**_. You really think I'm not _trying_? Do you have any idea of how hard I'm fighting this, how much it _hurts_? If I wasn't trying, then I wouldn't even be here, Sora! I'd never even wake up from those nightmares if I knew that when I did…you wouldn't be there. That's why…it _is _enough. As long as I can be with you…if it's what'll keep me here, away from the darkness…it's enough. It _could've_ been _enough_, if you never _knew_! So just _go_!" Riku shouted.

"Riku…," Sora said timidly, voice barely above a whisper.

The older boy opened the door again, avoiding Sora's gaze. "Please…go," he said, softer this time.

"No," the brunet said defiantly. "No, I'm staying."

Riku reached forward, grabbing Sora's upper arm tightly, who flinched and squeezed his eyes shut in pain and surprise.

"Do I…scare you?" Riku asked quietly, as the younger boy stood trembling in his grasp.

Sora shook his head, biting his lip as tears streamed down his face.

"Then why…?"

"If…if I go now…I don't think you'll be here when I come back," Sora choked out. "So please don't make me leave."

"Sora…"

"I…I don't know what to do to make you stay! I want to help you, but I don't know how," the brunet cried.

"Smile," Riku murmured.

"W-what?" Sora sniffled.

"Just…just smile, and go back to Kairi, and forget that this ever happened," the older boy requested. "And that'll be enough."

oOoOo

**Author's Notes: **Wow, it's been awhile, huh? I'm sorryyy…sadly, my only excuse is writer's block, but there's really not much I can do about it when it happens. But then all of a sudden, inspiration struck last night! And this is really good news because that means my ten days of Thanksgiving break can actually be put to good use next week. So I'll do my best to make up for lost time then :)

I actually like this chapter well enough, surprisingly :P Except for the fact that it was kind of an overwhelming amount of dialogue for me to write and the word "enough" has just about lost all meaning to me XD I have trouble writing lots of dialogue for some reason…I guess I prefer thoughts? Except I rarely write in first person so I'm kind of stuck with it. Oh well.

Thank you to the kind souls who reviewed chapter 3! **Wakaran a i xx, Cold Drake Queen, rain angst, **and **Countcainn**. Your words of support are much appreciated :) And sorry for the long wait...hehe. '-';

-Emmy-chan

Love me, love me, say that you love me. Pretty please?


	5. Chapter 5: Waiting on the Light to

**Disclaimer:**Sadly, I do not own Kingdom Hearts. I only borrow its characters for my own nefarious deeds every once in a while…and keep Riku tied up in my closet...but let's keep that quiet. –shifty eyes-

**Warnings:**Well I assume that you've read the summary and know that this is indeed a yaoi fic, so if you don't like it, then why are you still here? Anyways, there shall be language and (eventually)_slightly_ graphic lemon-y goodness. I tend to not go into explicit details since it makes me blush to no end, but kiddies beware.

oOoOo

**Chapter 5: **_Waiting on the Light to Change_

oOoOo

Sora remained motionless, disbelief in his eyes. "What do you mean, 'forget'? I…I haven't even had time to _think_ about this. I just…I don't understand. How long have you…?"

"We don't have to talk about this, Sora," Riku sighed. "Come on, you should get going before the storm gets worse."

"I'm not going _anywhere_!" the brunet shouted in reply. "So you might as well _answer_ me!"

"Alright, then! I don't know, maybe since we got back, maybe my entire life!" he said, matching Sora's tone. He slammed his palms against the wall, trapping the younger boy between his arms. "You really want to know what's being going through my head?" he hissed, leaning forward until they were nearly touching, breath mingling, eyes meeting unwaveringly. "You're really so desperate to 'understand'?" His knee pushed its way in between Sora's legs, causing the boy's breath to hitch. "How 'bout I give you an idea? Maybe then you won't be so eager to spend the night."

Sora didn't respond, just kept staring at Riku, lips slightly parted, face flushed, but something unreadable in his eyes. The silver-haired boy frowned, and after a moment's hesitation he shifted closer until his lips were just barely brushing Sora's ear as he said, "What are you waiting for? Push me away." Still, the brunet's only reaction was an involuntary shudder. "Just tell me to stop," Riku whispered, shifting his knee slightly until it was firmly pressed into Sora, who gasped and arched his back against the wall.

_Please, make me stop._

"R-riku," the brunet tried to say, but it came out closer to a breathy moan, causing the older boy's stomach to flip. "Riku, I can't...I love…I l-love Kairi…I love Kairi," Sora choked out, crying again. "I can't…" he repeated, sliding down the wall as Riku shifted to the side, pulling away.

"I know," the silver-haired boy murmured. "Just go home, Sor."

This time Sora gave in, nodding and slowly getting to his feet. "I'll see you later," he said firmly. "Okay?"

"Okay," Riku replied, getting ready to shut the door.

"Riku?" the brunet said uncertainly. "I…I want to believe you, but I just…"

The older boy reached out, gently cupping Sora's face, whose eyes fluttered shut as he leaned forward again. "I promise," he murmured, brushing a tear drop away gently with his fingertip. "Okay?"

Sora nodded again, and then he was gone, lost in the darkness of the rain.

Riku sighed, shutting the door and then leaning against it, bringing his finger to his lips.

It would've been easier if Sora had just gotten mad, had said that he hated him.

Because then he could've said, "I'm sorry."

oOoOo

If anyone on the island was at risk for their head imploding, then the lucky winner would have to be Sora.

He just couldn't _understand_. He and Riku had been best friends their entire lives, and suddenly…everything had just changed.

But…where was the line between 'friends' and 'more than friends'...and how could Riku have crossed that line without Sora ever knowing?

In one night, how could everything Sora was sure of just crumble to pieces?

He buried his face in his pillow, wanting to scream, to just let everything he was feeling out. But he couldn't, due to the fact that he started crying instead, sobs muffled by the fabric. Maybe before he could've handled this, but now…their friendship wasn't the way it used to be, it was too fragile now. And what if became too much? He couldn't lose Riku, that was the one thing he was sure of, but…how could he ask him to stay? How could he ask him to remain by his side as his best friend while he was with Kairi?

How could he break his heart?

oOoOo

The next morning he let his feet carry him back to Riku's house, unsure of what to say, unsure of what to do, but just sure that something needed to happen, something needed to change.

He rang the doorbell, heart hammering more and more with each passing second. When nothing happened, he repeated the action, telling himself that Riku was just taking his time like he had last night.

Still, no sign that he was inside.

Anxiety twisted his insides, and Sora rang the bell again, breath quickening. He could feel tears stinging behind his eyes again, told himself he was being ridiculous, maybe the doorbell was broken, maybe Riku was still asleep.

Then he knocked, three quick, firm raps, trying to calm himself. Nobody came. Feeling a tear slip out, he banged again, desperation increasing. "Riku! Riku, open the door! Please, open the door! Dammit, Riku!" he shouted, fists slamming against the mahogany wood over and over again, not caring that it was starting to hurt. "Please! Please, you promised me! You said you wouldn't leave me, you said-!" he was cut off by a strong arm suddenly wrapping around his waist from behind, and the other hand closing over one of his own, gently uncurling his fingers from a fist.

"Shh," Riku murmured, very close to his ear, surrounding him with warmth and a sudden, long-lost, sense of security. "It's okay, Sor, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. It's okay," he said very softly as Sora gasped and trembled violently in his embrace, breathing unevenly. "I'm here for you, okay? I love you, Sor. I'm staying right here with you, as long as you want me to," he continued in his soothing voice, gently rocking the brunet side to side.

"Always," Sora said almost incoherently, between sobs. "I want you with me forever."

The older boy leaned his head against Sora's, inhaling deeply. "Then forever it is."

oOoOo

After moving inside for hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows for Sora, as usual), and a long period of time spent with Sora's head buried in Riku's chest on the couch, the brunet finally calmed down, seemingly convinced for the first time since they had come home that Riku wasn't going anywhere. He rested his head on the older boy's shoulder, asking quietly, "Why do you love me?"

Riku stiffened, pausing the soothing circles he was tracing on the back of Sora's hand. "We really don't need to talk about things like this."

"I…I'm sorry. It's just…I don't have any right to ask you to stay," the brunet murmured guiltily.

The older boy was silent for a moment, before responding softly, "It's okay to be selfish sometimes."

Sora looked up at him thoughtfully. "Do you _always _know what I'm thinking?"

"Hardly," Riku snorted. "You're just…you're being too hard on yourself, Sor. It's natural to want to be with your best friend."

"Is it natural to burst into tears and nearly start hyper-ventilating when they don't open the door because they're out buying groceries?" the brunet challenged.

"To be perfectly fair," the silver-haired boy said calmly, "you didn't know that I was out buying groceries."

"That's not the point," Sora sighed.

"And what is the point?" the older boy asked, flipping Sora's hand over and continuing his actions on the boy's palm.

"The point is," the brunet said, finding it very difficult to remain distressed and urgent when he felt warm and comfortable all over. "The point is that things can't go on like that."

"Then trust me," Riku said simply.

"B-but it's not just that, Riku! W-what about…_us_?" he inquired.

"That," the silver-haired boy murmured, "is entirely up to you."

Silence lapsed over them, an almost tangible heaviness in the air. Hesitantly, Sora interrupted Riku's movements, lacing their fingers together instead. "Riku," he said quietly. "Why do you love me?" he repeated, looking at the boy unwaveringly.

"…You really want to know?" Riku asked. Sora nodded encouragingly, tightening their grip. "Well," he sighed. "You're an idiot, but I guess it's kinda cute that you're so clueless, you're stubborn, but it means you never give up for what you believe in, you're naïve, but it's only because you're so pure, you're a crybaby-,"

"You're naming all of my faults!" the brunet interrupted, a horrified look on his face.

The older boy burst out laughing, much to Sora's dismay, who simply sat there in annoyance. "Stupid," Riku said finally, clutching his side with his free hand. "That's because I love everything about you."

The full force of his words didn't hit either boy until a moment later, as Riku swore under his breath and looked away to hide the faint blush appearing on his cheeks. "Sorry," he muttered. "Forget it."

"N-no, um…d-don't apologize, Riku," Sora stammered, feeling his hand growing unbearably warm clasped with Riku's, but unable to pull away for some reason. "Thank you," he added in a whisper.

"There's nothing to thank me for," the older boy sighed. "I'm only making things harder on you. You deserve to be happy, Sor."

"So do you," the brunet replied quietly.

Riku looked at him, examining the look of guilt on the boy's face. "It's not your fault," he murmured, pulling Sora closer to him. "Please don't blame yourself for this."

"I…I just wish things could go back to the way they were," the smaller boy confessed. "It feels like everything is changing."

"We'll still be best friends, Sor…no matter what happens," Riku promised.

"But…what _is _going to happen?" the brunet asked.

"I don't know," the older boy admitted truthfully. "Maybe one day things will go back to normal."

Sora was quiet for a minute, expression thoughtful. "Is…that enough?"

Riku smiled sadly. "You know…" he said after a moment, "you still haven't freaked out over the fact that I'm in love with you. Doesn't it bother you?"

"N-no," the younger boy said slowly. "Well, in the way that it's hurting you, it does. B-but I mean…it's you, Riku. I could never hate you."

"But you could never love me, either," Riku pointed out. However, at Sora's distraught expression, he added quietly, "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"I…I'm sorry!" the brunet stammered. "I just…I don't know anymore."

"Don't know what?" the silver-haired boy asked gently.

"A-about…_this_. Us. Kairi," he said, closing his eyes. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"You're _supposed _to be with the one you love," Riku said chidingly, poking him in the chest. "And you're in love with Kairi, as of last night at least," he muttered. "Come on, Sor, please don't start over-thinking things because of this. I don't want it to become a big deal…you'll break her heart if you start questioning everything."

"I'll break yours if I don't," Sora whispered.

"Don't do this," the older boy hissed. "You never would've even considered it if you hadn't known first. Like I said: You're_ over-thinking_. Granted, it's not something you do very frequently, so I suppose every once in a while it _would_ be appropriate, but now is _not_ the time," he muttered.

"Y-you don't know that!" the brunet said.

"That you rarely make use of your brain?" Riku asked. "Well, if you really want to go into it, I've got plenty of evidence to argue my ca-,"

"That I wouldn't have considered it," Sora sighed, cutting him off.

The older boy was silent for a moment, absorbing this. "And what makes you think you might have?"

"Because it's…it's _you_. The whole time you were gone, all I knew was that I had to get you back, no matter what. I tried...I tried to always be optimistic, to convince myself that you_were _out there somewhere…but sometimes I just got so scared, Riku. I…I don't know what I would do without you. And…I didn't really realize it while I was searching, but when I _found_ you…suddenly it felt like I was whole again, like some part of me had been missing before," Sora told him, blinking back tears. "Maybe…maybe the way I love you…isn't the same as what you feel for me…but Riku, I _do_ love you."

"Thank you," the older boy murmured.

The brunet laughed, saying, "If I can't thank you, then you can't thank me, hypocrite."

"It's a good thing you're cute," Riku muttered.

Sora flushed darkly. "A-and what's _that _supposed to mean?"

"It means," the silver-haired boy began in a teasing voice, then paused, becoming more serious. "It means that I love you," he whispered.

The smaller boy felt his breath quickening, heart pounding loudly in his chest. "S-so I can be an idiot as long as I'm cute?" he asked with a crooked smile, trying to remain aloof.

"Well, I'd prefer that you weren't an idiot at all, but the cute factor does help, I suppose," he smirked, leaning closer much to Sora's dismay. "Am I making you nervous?" he asked innocently.

"N-no," the brunet lied, turning his face to the side nonetheless.

"Really?" Riku asked. "So you wouldn't care if I kissed you right now?"

"I-idiot!" Sora almost squeaked, cheeks burning. "You're the one who just told me I was supposed to be with Kairi!"

"Just having some fun," the older boy grinned, pulling away a bit. "It's been awhile since we've kept a score, after all."

"This isn't something to keep score on!" Sora said in dismay, highly taken aback.

"Only because you're so clueless about these things that you know you would lose miserably," Riku said. "You'll never get laid with that attitude, you know."

"I-I really don't think I should be discussing my…my sex life…o-or lack thereof…with _you_!" the younger boy pointed out.

"Oh? But we're best friends, aren't we?" the silver-haired boy countered, seeming to be highly enjoying this.

"Friends don't knee friends in the groin," Sora muttered. "Especially not _that _way."

Riku considered this for a moment. "Huh. Sounded like you were enjoying it tho-,"

"_And _we're done!" the brunet laughed nervously, standing up abruptly.

"So soon? But we've got so much to catch up on," Riku chuckled, lying back on the couch.

"O-oh," Sora said uncertainly, assuming that he meant other things. "What did you want to talk about, then?"

"Well, we still haven't determined if you've gotten an erection, masturba-,"

"Riku!" the brunet squeaked again. "Th-this is sexual harassment!" he said indignantly.

The older boy began laughing loudly, eyes watering with mirth as he reached out to grab Sora's wrist gently. "You should've seen the look on your face, though. Priceless," he said, still grinning widely.

Sora couldn't help but smile back when he saw his friend so happy. "It's been so long since we've done this."

"I don't think we _have _done this," Riku chuckled.

"I-I don't mean this _exactly_…I just mean talking about…stupid things together," the brunet explained.

"Who says this is stupid?" the older boy asked, tugging Sora down on top of him, much to the boy's surprise, who immediately shot his arms out to keep their distance. "Don't you want your first time to be special?" Riku asked in a low voice, warm aquamarine eyes watching him with something that might've been genuine curiosity.

"Y-yeah?" Sora gulped, more of a question than a statement. "U-um, Riku, can we talk about something el-,"

"Sora," the older boy interrupted, tone serious. "Really…if I did kiss you, what would happen?"

"Riku, I _can't_," the brunet whispered, arms beginning to tremble from the strain.

"Can't or won't?"

"Wh-what?" Sora asked breathlessly, and then in a swift moment his arms gave out and he fell forward, face merely inches away from Riku's as he landed on the older boy.

And, without waiting for an answer, Riku gently pulled him forward, closing the distance between their lips as time stopped all around them.

oOoOo

**Author's Notes:** And that, my friends, is what we call OOC. XD I dunno…Riku is kind of all over the place in this chapter, and Sora is just like crying every 5 minutes and ugh…Let's just blame it on the hormones, shall we?

Hopefully I'll update again at some point this week since I have an abnormally long Thanksgiving break, but I've got other stories to catch up on too so I don't know. We'll see.

Sankyuu, to my lovely reviewers: **Wakaran a i xx, kivakogoa, MikoGoddess, Cold Drake Queen, tokipie, I'll have some stupid cliché, DarkBlueKitsune, raiderette, **and **PCpencil. **Your reviews made me smile :)

-Emmy


	6. Chapter 6: Moon and Sun

**Disclaimer:**Sadly, I do not own Kingdom Hearts. I only borrow its characters for my own nefarious deeds every once in a while…and keep Riku tied up in my closet...but let's keep that quiet. –shifty eyes-

**Warnings:**Well I assume that you've read the summary and know that this is indeed a yaoi fic, so if you don't like it, then why are you still here? Anyways, there shall be language and (eventually)_slightly_ graphic lemon-y goodness. I tend to not go into explicit details since it makes me blush to no end, but kiddies beware.

oOoOo

**Chapter 6: **_Moon and Sun  
_

oOoOo

It was chaste, innocent, yet the feeling lingered on Riku's lips when he pulled away, softly murmuring, "I'm sorry."

"No. No, you're not," Sora whispered, scooting back towards the other end of the couch as he pressed the back of his hand to his mouth, stubbornly refusing to look the older boy in the eye.

"I_am_, Sora. I didn't-,"

"It wasn't some accident, Riku!" the brunet interrupted in a shaky voice. "You knew exactly what you were doing!"

"I wasn't _thinking_, okay?" Riku shot back. "It was a mistake, and I'm sorry!"

"That's not fair," the smaller boy quietly responded, finally turning to the silveret. "You can't make mistakes like that, not with me. It's not fair," he repeated, shaking his head slowly.

"Sora-,"

"_What am I supposed to do_?" the brunet yelled, pulling at his hair with frustration. "I don't know how to choose!" he gasped, anxiety clear in his eyes as he looked at Riku desperately. "I can't…I can't do this."

Riku's eyes widened and he shifted closer to the other boy, taking his hands reassuringly. "Sora…Sora, I'm sorry, you can just forget about it."

"Stop it," the younger boy whispered. "Stop telling me to forget when you know that I can't. Do you expect me to just lie to her? Do you want me to pretend that _nothing _ever happened between us, so that I can stay with her, feeling guilty every time she tells me she loves me? So that you can just watch from the sidelines and pretend that nothing's _wrong_? What the hell do you _want_from me, Riku?" he shouted. "Do you want me to break up with her, so that we can be together? Do you want…my first time to be with _you_? That would be special, wouldn't it? Or maybe…maybe it would just be another little _mistake_. But you know what, Riku? When it's our friendship on the line, you don't have the right to do that to me, and you don't have the right to call it a _mistake_. If you kiss me, do it because you_love_ me, not because you aren't _thinking_."

He tore his hands out of Riku's, struggling to push the older boy away, but the silveret was stronger, holding him down against the back of the sofa. "Let me go!" Sora hissed, continuing his attempt at worming out of the boy's grasp.

And then Riku was kissing him again, urgently this time, moving his hands through the smaller boy's hair as he tugged on Sora's bottom lip gently with his own. "I love you," he said fiercely as he broke away for a moment. "Don't think for a second that I don't love you."

Sora's reply was lost as the other boy leaned in again, tracing his tongue across the brunet's lip, sucking and nibbling. He had stilled, but he wasn't sure if it was because he had given up or if he had lost the strength to fight it anymore.

He wasn't sure he even wanted to know.

His mind was screaming that it was wrong, that he _should_ be pushing Riku away, but it was so easy to simply let the feeling continue, let Riku's tongue enter his mouth and find his own, let his fingers ghost to the small of Riku's back, clutching his shirt and pulling him closer. His head was swimming, and absently he realized that he had been holding his breath, unable to focus on anything but the way their tongues were intertwining, the way Riku's fingers were tracing down his sides, gently moving back up underneath his shirt, skin hot to the touch.

But it was wrong, it was his best friend, and he had _Kairi_. Kairi who loved him, who told him that she could never make him choose, who valued his happiness more than her own. Kairi, whose heart he was breaking, who might not ever see him the same way again, who he didn't deserve to even ask forgiveness from anymore.

"St-stop," he gasped, shoving Riku away with more force than he thought he was capable of. "I…I have to go," he said finally, getting to his feet as his knees trembled weakly.

The older boy grabbed his wrist, fingers tightening before Sora could pull away. "Sora…"

"No…no, I need to go," the brunet said desperately, eyes imploring to be released. "Don't say anything else, please."

"Sora…"

"Don't apologize," Sora whispered, arm hanging limply in Riku's grasp. "Don't…it's not your fault. I let it happen…I-I kissed you back, so I need to…" his voice broke, and he looked away. "I need to go."

"Hey, just _listen_ to me," the older boy urged, silencing his friend. "You may have kissed back, but I was the one who initiated it, Sor, so I don't want you blaming yourself and feeling guilty. I just…I want to know what you want from me."

The brunet looked at him in confusion, brows furrowing. "What do you mean…?"

"If you want to start things over, then I'll just stop," Riku explained slowly. "I'm not promising that I'll get over you anytime soon, 'cause there's really not much I can do about that, but…I won't bring it up anymore. I won't do anything to make you uncomfortable…I'll be fine if you stay with Kairi. It's just…" and here the older boy trailed off, his expression suddenly extremely unguarded, an unknown emotion in his eyes.

Sora wondered if he had ever felt so drawn to anyone the way that he was now.

"If it meant anything to you," Riku finished softly, "then choose me."

_"I won't ever ask you to choose."_

"But that's…not fair," the brunet whispered. "How could it not mean something to me? You've always been my best friend…when you say you're in love with me and then kiss me…how could that be meaningless?" he said, the words sending prickles of guilt throughout him, because really…he was the only one being unfair.

Kairi and Riku…how could he choose between them? How could either of them ever want to be with him after a choice like that?

And yet, they were the ones who told him it would be fine whatever choice he made. They were the ones who were perfectly calm as they waited for him to make a decision that could change things forever.

Maybe he was the only one who was afraid of the answer after all.

Riku sighed, sensing the smaller boy's distress. "Never mind. Take some time, if that's what you need…I don't want it to be something that you'll regret later."

Sora nodded silently, guilt increasing at the older boy's patience, his complete and utter selflessness.

"Hey," Riku chided gently, lifting the brunet's chin. "I thought I told you to smile, dork. Enough with the teenage angst already."

But Sora only frowned at him, not finding any humor in the situation. Sure, throw some Heartless at him, maybe an evil Nobody or two, and he could take them. A freaking love triangle on the other hand…

"You know," the older boy said after a moment, fingers tracing Sora's jaw line. "More than anything else I want you to be happy." He smiled then, although his eyes seemed almost lonely, aquamarine just a bit darker than usual. "I just wish that I could be the one to do that."

The brunet reached up, finding Riku's hand and giving it a slight squeeze. "You _do_ make me happy, Riku. I don't know what I would do without you. It's just…"

"Kairi makes you happy, too," the silveret finished for him, nodding shortly. "I know. You don't have to explain yourself to me."

Sora looked down, letting go of Riku's hands. "I…I don't mean to be making excuses or anything, Riku, I just-!"

"It's okay, Sora," the older boy said calmly. "I don't resent you for being confused. I know it's not any easier on you than it is on me or Kairi…if anything, I'm guessing it's harder," Riku speculated.

"But…I just _hate_ myself for this," the smaller boy said to Riku's alarm, clenching his teeth, eyes blazing. "No matter how hard it is for me to make a decision, _I'm_ the one who ends up happy either way in the end, but you two…I don't want you to get hurt, Riku!" Sora stated fiercely. "You and Kairi…you both mean more to me than anything, and knowing that I'll hurt one of you in the end, knowing that I'm hurting both of you _now_…"

And suddenly realization hit him. The reason why Kairi had said those things to him before…

"Kairi," Sora murmured, eyes widening as his gaze shot back up to Riku. "Does she know? A-about you…"

"Yeah," Riku affirmed. "I think she's known for a long time."

"I…I have to go," the brunet announced. "I need to talk to her, I need to let her know that I…"

_That I'll always love her, no matter what happens._

The older boy nodded, understanding his friend's obligation. "Then you should go. I'll…wait for you, Sor. I don't care how long it takes…I'll wait for you."

oOoOo

Sora paddled out to the island more on instinct than anything else, finding Kairi's house empty when he had looked for her there. He docked his boat, fumbling with the rope as he looked around the beach. The brunet caught sight of Tidus and Wakka sparring in the distance, Selphie cheering them on, but the redhead was nowhere in sight. He jogged across the sand nonetheless, finally glimpsing a figure by the paopu tree. He set off across the bridge, shoes falling heavily on the wooden planks.

"Kairi!" he said with relief, causing the girl sitting against the paopu tree to look up in surprise.

"Sora," she greeted softly, a small smile gracing her lips.

"You…knew about Riku," the brunet murmured softly, joining her in the sand. "That's why you told me not to pressure him, and why you told me…I could be with him?" he guessed quietly.

Kairi nodded hesitantly, staring distantly out across the ocean. It was unsettlingly calm, although the brunet didn't quite know what he had expected. Maybe he was just hoping that someone would acknowledge that he was _hurting _them, that maybe he didn't deserve _either_ of them.

But he pushed that thought down, instead taking the girl's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. Right now, he needed to make things right. He needed to tell her…

"Kairi," he murmured suddenly, anxiety clenching his insides. "Kai, I love you."

For a second everything was still. For a second it felt like things might be okay.

And then it fell apart.

"But…you're not _in_ love with me, right?"

A breeze came in, gently ruffling their hair and carrying Selphie's laughter and the sounds of Wakka's cries and the clashing of wooden swords. Sora swallowed thickly, wondering how everything could be so normal and out of place all at once.

"It's alright," the redhead insisted, leaning over to look at him, concern flashing in her eyes. "Sora, it's alright, I understand."

The brunet shook his head very slowly, suddenly feeling very empty inside.

He just wanted it to stop. He wanted it to only be _normal_ again.

Kairi sat back again, resting her head against the tree trunk. "Everybody always thought we would end up together," she mumbled. "I think that's why it even happened in the first place. Someone gets an idea so drilled into your head, that sooner or later you just believe it. But that's not what it should be like, right? Falling in love…is supposed to be scary and exciting…and when you're finally together…it should feel like some piece of you that was missing is finally there.

"But we already had each other, Sor," the redhead whispered. "We already meant everything we were supposed to mean to each other. You love me as a sister, as a friend. It was never anything more. We were only listening to what we wanted to hear. We were only trying to be happy."

Sora stood up silently, slowly letting go of her hand. "I was happy, Kai."

She didn't respond, just let him walk away. She watched him push his boat back into the ocean a few minutes later, paddling back to the one he was really falling in love with.

"Yeah," Kairi whispered to herself, closing her eyes and allowing the tears to trickle down now that he wouldn't have to watch. "I was happy, too."

oOoOo

**Author's Notes: **Ugh. An entire _month_. I'm so sorry!!!! Really. Really, really. It was partly exams, mostly writer's block, and also because I rewrote the middle of this four times before I deemed it worthy enough of being released. I have a pretty focused idea of what comes next though, and it actually might be the last one.

Which leaves me with a little dilemma. I had planned on writing a lemon, but at the point I decided that I had no idea what I was doing with this story. And now I'm kind of thinking it would be weird and out of place…I mean, I like lemons as much as the next person, but when it's in a multi-chaptered fic, I prefer to have it worked meaningfully into the story, rather than "Oh look, we've run out of plot! Let's just have them get it on for the extra couple thousand words!" Yeah…I'll take your opinions into consideration, though…I could write an lemony epilogue or just dedicate a random PWP to you guys or something XD Hey, I'm up for ideas.

Or maybe you won't even care. Since I've only written like…two. And one of them was awkward and rushed since it was my first and the other was just kind of…creepy. –coughs- Look, I'm not saying_ I_ would sleep with some dying kid.

Er, moving right along...

Thanks to **Wakaran a i xx, PCpencil, kivakogoa, DarkBlueKitsune, RenRenTheGreat, Cold Drake Queen, Katraa, raiderette, rain angst, Captara, Asheta, **and **PhinMaginONLY** for the support last chapter.

-Emmy

P.S. Look forward to fluff :D I'm like so sick of the angst it's not even funny. Argh.


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